Strikes and Gutters

A Year Away...

I knew 2007 was going to be a year of reflection for me, but I was in no way prepared for the intensity of the resonance produced.

February brought the Fellowship Reunion, and a forced facing of a traumatic ending in my past. Leaving the Foundation in the Spring of 03 rocked me - for the first time I was held accountable for an unknown offense. A lot of faith was lost for me at that point, and I was forced to scrutinize the mistakes I had made. Four years later at the Broadmoor for a weekend, I had the chance to check back, to look in a set of mirrors that offered up an entirely different set of expectations and reflections on my current lifestyle and choices. I felt great to proudly be myself amidst a group of my former peers, finally accepting just how different I was from them from the start, not just since the finish. The good friends I have from that period are true treasures in my life, and the people who were important to me then have had lasting impact despite their current distance. It was great to see them all, though rough to be there and take it all in at once in 36 hours.

March was Vegas with the boys for a bachelor party and the NCAA tournament. Great to catch up, always a blast, timeless fun with those guys. What can I say? We were in Vegas. It was strange to be back as a tourist after spending my time there...but only for about 15 minutes.

April and May were saving and preparing for the next walk through the halls of my past, as Wedding Season was round the corner. June took me back to Oregon, to the banks of the Mackenzie River east of Eugene. A beautiful wedding was a wonderful reminder of a crucial understanding a young Ms. Funk imparted upon me...difference is a powerful thing to be embraced, not shunned.

With a week left in June I made a foolish decision, and as happens in the restaurant business, I had my job yanked. That gave me a bit of a scare with Liz's wedding approaching on 7/7, but luckily I had grinded out a large enough cushion through my saving and hard work early in the spring to last me through...and I was lucky enough to get my job back shortly after returning from Baltimore. A scare, but totally my own fault...and an unexpectedly great way to probe for my status, as my rehire affirmed my belief that I was a good worker, worthy a second chance.

Oh yes, the magical July wedding of my younger sister. It really was great...I went out for the whole week and got to spend some wonderful time with sisters and parents and cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and new brothers-in-law and the Baltimore area. Billy is a great guy, and tough enough to keep a firecracker in his pocket. Maybe not his pocket, but he's got it under a reasonable amount of control. :) The weather was beautiful, everyone had a great time, and my family is always a calming and reassuring force in my life.

August 17 loomed as a forced trip into the darkness of New York City. Jeremy was getting married, and that falls into a category consisting of only three or four events that could get me to my least favorite then-unknown city. To make matters more imposing, I had to face a female from my past who taught me painful lessons about love and loss...that had been built up in my head and pain to exist in a realm almost on their own. All of this was through no fault of her own, simply a matter of course colliding with her in that stage in my life. But to see her again - the simple idea of it petrified me. The trip itself was personally inspiring. I was there on my own...no travel partners or dates, just phone numbers, addresses, and invitations. I conquered that big apple, displaying my professional politeness and polish at the highest level this country offers, never losing my Northwestern identity. And I kept my head in lieu of the lady, which made me proud. I shook as the plane landed back in Denver, somewhat shocked that I had done as well as I had.

Labor Day weekend sent me to Aspen and Jeff's wedding. These were the college boys again, and was a great way to close out the summer. Laughs, stories, and new experiences once again confirmed a life time bond. I was ridiculously lucky, especially in light of my personality, to have had such intelligent/witty/honest/caring friends during and since college. I feel totally safe around them, because I know if I'm doing anything wrong, I'm going to hear about it. Maybe that makes me crazy, but it certainly feels good to get back to once in a while.

This would also be a good time to mention a significant shift I made personally around this time...I was finally able to find someone who enjoyed challenging me and I couldn't stop thinking about...and her name is Jen. We started hanging out back in August, but I think it wasn't until after the Aspen wedding that I allowed myself to accept what I was in the midst of after years of avoiding. She is a powerful woman who uses patience and enthusiasm as her weapons, and she teaches me something about myself on a regularly basis without effort or intent. It's fun to be vulnerable again, but it has been hard shaking off the rust at times. Things are still going great - we like to spend a lot of time with the dogs, in the mountains, or on the couch. She works as a Nanny while finishing her Masters in Education, so our combined work schedules leave us just enough time to spend having fun.

Work picked up as scheduled this fall, and I've been busy since September trying to keep up with a profession I'm still learning. That allowed me to take a quick trip back to Baltimore in October for one last wedding, this a fun celebration with friends and a chance to check in on Liz and Billy. Hard news from dad reminded me why I have always had reasons to be thankful, and with that in mind I have put my head down and the pedal to the floor to get what I can out of the restaurant before the New Year. I'm not sure what's in store after that, but it's nice to have the chance to look to a year with question marks instead of deadlines. Steady work makes that a much more optimistic proposition.

If you've spent any of the past year worrying about me, I just want to express my sorrow for letting that happen, and my appreciation for your concern. There have been good times and bad, but this year was essential for me to gain closure on difficult events and lessons from my past, and I look forward to the my near 30 years as they come. If you're reading this, you should know that you mean a great deal to me, even if you haven't heard from me in a while. It's been hard for me to process all of this, and now that it's becoming clear I'm ashamed that I've not looked to more of you for help and advice through the way. Please know that you've been consulted, at least in my head, as I think of you often, whether you're in Oregon, Colorado, California, Wisconsin, Vermont, Maryland, Indiana, Massachusetts, New York. Your impact on me is significant, and if you don't believe me, ask and I'll tell you how specifically. I wish you the best in the coming year, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again.

posted by Nate C @ 11:16 AM