Out of the Darkness
So much has changed since I last wrote here that it's simply not worth covering. My social media is open for public consumption, so if you want to know about the basics of my life go check it out there.
Today I begin life as a single father amongst the living. For years I have been waging my battles on the edges of the rest of you - as you wake and just before you sleep. Sometimes my job seems silly, and sometimes I remember how much better thousands of people have slept because of my efforts. I look to my son and am overjoyed at the depth of our relationship. Personally and professionally I have spent my time and soul pouring myself into others and awaiting a return on that investment.
This week marks my first chance at realizing that return. If timing is everything, now is the time. I have accepted the past which I can not change and am ready to embrace exactly where I am at this moment.
Wednesday afternoon I will get to realize a goal I've been working towards for 16 months when I pick my son up from daycare at 5:30 and we commute home with the rest of the city. From there on out he and I will be learning a new life together, one step at a time.
Pick a goal, reach a goal. Maintain Integrity. Let the details of life sort themselves out.
For far too long I have had that backwards. Trying to dictate the details of exactly how each step of life should occur has wasted my efforts towards the big pictures that I have envisioned. My best work comes when confronted with an immediate and immutable challenge or crisis. Now is the time to play to my strengths, to confidently lead a group out of a chaotic period and into a new culture.
I can think of no better way to embrace the blank slate my life has become. I have a responsibility to celebrate this success by grasping this opportunity regardless of how I got here. It's time.
No Highs, No Lows.
Westerly wilderness
Well, it's now time to check in from the burgeoning metropolis of Rock Springs, Wyoming (home to 56 nationalities!).
I awoke to a pre-dawn chill in Laramie to take full advantage in a foreseen break in the wind between 7 and 10 a.m. this morning. We beat sunrise as we mounted ourselves back on interstate 80, and started West with hopeful hearts. The wind came and went, but was never as fervent as that 50 mile stretch between Cheyenne and Laramie. Having survived that maelstrom prepared me mentally for the fact that, despite it's creaks and groans to the contrary, the camper was bolted in solidly and was going nowhere.
There were enough gaps in the wind for me to appreciate the quiet that calm can bring...and to make me certain that getting out of the wind as soon as possible is best for all involved. Unfortunately I have 107 miles left until I break free of Wyoming, and depending on the weather I may not enter Utah until daybreak tomorrow. It's about 360 miles from this point of the Wyoming/Utah border to Boise...and that's at least 7 hours of driving for me. I was hoping to clear Utah by the end of the day today, but I just don't think it will happen.
There are allegedly snow showers/flurries in my future...so hopefully they'll be falling peacefully to the ground without gale-force winds to slap them in my face. If it comes to that point, I'll be back in the camper with HBO shows on the ipod and 100 lbs of dog squirming all over me.
I don't know when you'll hear from me next, but starting this evening I should be in cell range the rest of the way, so you won't have to worry. AAA has my back in a pinch...and hopefully there will be no pinching.
Sunny Laramie
Imagine trying to pilot a sailboat into the wind, powered only by the outboard. There were points when I was flooring the accelerator to keep the truck at 45 mph, and points where I was coasting downhill and still slowing down. I've always been impressed by the wind along this corridor...this is a new experience.
After a quick pause to make sure the camper wasn't going to blow off the back of the Bronco, I soldiered on with the encouragement of my faithful traveling companions, Max and Carmela. Max has made this trip multiple times in the past, but his little sister is not quite sure what's going on. Luckily they both still love me, and let me know every time I stop and we all cuddle up together.
Last night was a piece of cake. Once we get buttoned in to the camper for the evening, we're in a cozy, cozy nest that not even the harshest Wyoming wind can penetrate. There were some serious gusts throughout the night - enough to wake all three of us - but on the whole we were all able to log some quality sleep hours.
Unfortunately, now that I'm here in Laramie all signs point to I-80 being closed to the west yet again. At this point there's no need to push my luck...maybe the calm will come soon. I just can't wait to get out of the wind tunnel that is Wyoming.
Bluster
A howling wind continues to delay me, and it looks like I will brave the elements for the night in the parking lot of the library in the portal of Nowheresville - Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Maybe it's because the library is only half full of books, maybe it's because there is no visible evidence of a snowplow's existence within city limits. Whatever the cause, I feel like the wind blows here all the time, free without the normal resistance of civilization.
Cross your fingers, put your hat on backwards, hop on your left foot three times. Good, now the wind gypsies will be satisfied with your offering, and I will continue unabated tomorrow.
Headed West...hopefully soon.
Hi there!
Yeah, I know, it's been nearly forever since my last post, but we'll deal with that later. Suffice to say that things have happened forcing a change of location and perspective, and as such I am once again headed back to Oregon.
Currently I am in a holding pattern in beautiful Cheyenne, Wyoming. The interstates all around me are closed due to extreme winds, and that means that I'm sitting on my hands, itching for calm.
I'm happy to wait, actually. Since the turn of the new year, I've been bombarded by indicators that the best course of action follows this journey home. Weather has been ideal at points when anything less would be treacherous. Solutions to necessities have presented themselves at exactly the right point, freeing my mind to dwell on other, less pivotal, challenges that might lay waiting for me. Don't get me wrong - traveling 1200 winter miles in a 28-year-old vehicle is a terrifying experience. Thankfully I read Grapes of Wrath, so I'm in tune with my jalopy...but it's the faith that I'm doing the right thing which keeps me calmly on the road. No reason to force things if I can trust that I'll be presented with just the options I need for success.
Now it's just about patience. Wish me luck!
Summer is near....
Time. It passes quickly.
I've spent the spring feeling much like I was fighting my way out of a long-endured fog of negativity and laziness. January and February were months of breaking from a rut that I had allowed myself to exist within for too long, and the freedom initiated by that break has been powerful and illuminating.
I have, for quite some time, considered myself largely socially inept. I don't do well in groups of unfamiliar people, and I'm nowhere near "congenial" or even really "friendly". My usual approach is to watch and wait until I have a grasp of the surroundings before inserting myself within them. This was never more clear than shortly after college, when my social shortcomings bled into professional political downfall. Self-examination followed, and I decided to try to get better at being friendly.
The summer of 2005 was crucial to my development on this front - I met people who knew nothing of my past, the supposed "quality" of my collegiate and post-collegiate experiences. I was genuinely happy for once, and I remember it being a result of being myself in the simplest terms...no ambition, no fear of rebuke...it was great. It carried me for the next 18 months, as I met new people and made my way based upon who I am, instead of who I had been at varying points in my past. I continued to seek out people and experiences that were valuable in their mere existence, not because of the esteem they garnered from the world around us.
Somewhere along the line I allowed myself to become rut bound. Instead of continuing to push myself to experience new things and through personal boundaries, I found comfort in sameness. Work was good, and more secure than it has been since I left El Pomar, and somehow that lead me to shut off the engine and just put things in park. That's where the real trouble began.
I think it's because the journey is so much a part of who I am - I get so much more out of the getting from one place to another than I do out of being safe and sound. Because I robbed myself from having a journey, I made my daily comfort my enemy without really knowing it. I allowed constant negative input from people I spent a great deal of time with...and instead of removing myself from what I know to be a slippery slope for a self-confessed Ass Hole, I stayed, and chose to ignore what I was doing.
Looking back, it is luck that has saved me from my rut. I've learned through experience that choatic action often results in forward motion...and this instance is no different. Things are improving again as I get back to challenging myself, expecting more out of my days and nights. I don't have any concrete goals just yet, but I can feel them developing, becoming crisper as I shed the fog. It's exciting.
A Year Away...
I knew 2007 was going to be a year of reflection for me, but I was in no way prepared for the intensity of the resonance produced.
February brought the Fellowship Reunion, and a forced facing of a traumatic ending in my past. Leaving the Foundation in the Spring of 03 rocked me - for the first time I was held accountable for an unknown offense. A lot of faith was lost for me at that point, and I was forced to scrutinize the mistakes I had made. Four years later at the Broadmoor for a weekend, I had the chance to check back, to look in a set of mirrors that offered up an entirely different set of expectations and reflections on my current lifestyle and choices. I felt great to proudly be myself amidst a group of my former peers, finally accepting just how different I was from them from the start, not just since the finish. The good friends I have from that period are true treasures in my life, and the people who were important to me then have had lasting impact despite their current distance. It was great to see them all, though rough to be there and take it all in at once in 36 hours.
March was Vegas with the boys for a bachelor party and the NCAA tournament. Great to catch up, always a blast, timeless fun with those guys. What can I say? We were in Vegas. It was strange to be back as a tourist after spending my time there...but only for about 15 minutes.
April and May were saving and preparing for the next walk through the halls of my past, as Wedding Season was round the corner. June took me back to Oregon, to the banks of the Mackenzie River east of Eugene. A beautiful wedding was a wonderful reminder of a crucial understanding a young Ms. Funk imparted upon me...difference is a powerful thing to be embraced, not shunned.
With a week left in June I made a foolish decision, and as happens in the restaurant business, I had my job yanked. That gave me a bit of a scare with Liz's wedding approaching on 7/7, but luckily I had grinded out a large enough cushion through my saving and hard work early in the spring to last me through...and I was lucky enough to get my job back shortly after returning from Baltimore. A scare, but totally my own fault...and an unexpectedly great way to probe for my status, as my rehire affirmed my belief that I was a good worker, worthy a second chance.
Oh yes, the magical July wedding of my younger sister. It really was great...I went out for the whole week and got to spend some wonderful time with sisters and parents and cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and new brothers-in-law and the Baltimore area. Billy is a great guy, and tough enough to keep a firecracker in his pocket. Maybe not his pocket, but he's got it under a reasonable amount of control. :) The weather was beautiful, everyone had a great time, and my family is always a calming and reassuring force in my life.
August 17 loomed as a forced trip into the darkness of New York City. Jeremy was getting married, and that falls into a category consisting of only three or four events that could get me to my least favorite then-unknown city. To make matters more imposing, I had to face a female from my past who taught me painful lessons about love and loss...that had been built up in my head and pain to exist in a realm almost on their own. All of this was through no fault of her own, simply a matter of course colliding with her in that stage in my life. But to see her again - the simple idea of it petrified me. The trip itself was personally inspiring. I was there on my own...no travel partners or dates, just phone numbers, addresses, and invitations. I conquered that big apple, displaying my professional politeness and polish at the highest level this country offers, never losing my Northwestern identity. And I kept my head in lieu of the lady, which made me proud. I shook as the plane landed back in Denver, somewhat shocked that I had done as well as I had.
Labor Day weekend sent me to Aspen and Jeff's wedding. These were the college boys again, and was a great way to close out the summer. Laughs, stories, and new experiences once again confirmed a life time bond. I was ridiculously lucky, especially in light of my personality, to have had such intelligent/witty/honest/caring friends during and since college. I feel totally safe around them, because I know if I'm doing anything wrong, I'm going to hear about it. Maybe that makes me crazy, but it certainly feels good to get back to once in a while.
This would also be a good time to mention a significant shift I made personally around this time...I was finally able to find someone who enjoyed challenging me and I couldn't stop thinking about...and her name is Jen. We started hanging out back in August, but I think it wasn't until after the Aspen wedding that I allowed myself to accept what I was in the midst of after years of avoiding. She is a powerful woman who uses patience and enthusiasm as her weapons, and she teaches me something about myself on a regularly basis without effort or intent. It's fun to be vulnerable again, but it has been hard shaking off the rust at times. Things are still going great - we like to spend a lot of time with the dogs, in the mountains, or on the couch. She works as a Nanny while finishing her Masters in Education, so our combined work schedules leave us just enough time to spend having fun.
Work picked up as scheduled this fall, and I've been busy since September trying to keep up with a profession I'm still learning. That allowed me to take a quick trip back to Baltimore in October for one last wedding, this a fun celebration with friends and a chance to check in on Liz and Billy. Hard news from dad reminded me why I have always had reasons to be thankful, and with that in mind I have put my head down and the pedal to the floor to get what I can out of the restaurant before the New Year. I'm not sure what's in store after that, but it's nice to have the chance to look to a year with question marks instead of deadlines. Steady work makes that a much more optimistic proposition.
If you've spent any of the past year worrying about me, I just want to express my sorrow for letting that happen, and my appreciation for your concern. There have been good times and bad, but this year was essential for me to gain closure on difficult events and lessons from my past, and I look forward to the my near 30 years as they come. If you're reading this, you should know that you mean a great deal to me, even if you haven't heard from me in a while. It's been hard for me to process all of this, and now that it's becoming clear I'm ashamed that I've not looked to more of you for help and advice through the way. Please know that you've been consulted, at least in my head, as I think of you often, whether you're in Oregon, Colorado, California, Wisconsin, Vermont, Maryland, Indiana, Massachusetts, New York. Your impact on me is significant, and if you don't believe me, ask and I'll tell you how specifically. I wish you the best in the coming year, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again.
Thoughts on the New Year
Happy New Year to one and all. I finally had a great New Years Eve last night after years of failure...by working instead of partying. I made a week's pay in one night, and busted my ass to do so. It feels good, and makes me happy to know that I'm good at what I do.
New Year's Resolutions intrigue me. Are they pathetically passe' or an opportunity to challenge the whole world on the field of self discipline?
I have one month until the Fellowship reunion. This occupies my mind for many different reasons. I'm not entirely sure I'm prepared to open up that treasure chest.
We here in Denver have been snowed in since the 20th of December. One of our two cars has remained in its igloo the entire time. I am stir crazy and itching to bust out.
The other night I went into a bar that flashed me back to when I was 23...and I have to admit to being shocked by the feelings that have resonated within me since. It's very strange to think of the path of my life...to think of the direction I've come, and the road I've taken to get here. I don't regret any of it, but I am glad that I have moved away from some of it...even if the old me would have given me a pile of grief for softening up in my old age. I certainly don't regret not being in the position I may have been in had I continued along my Professional path...nobody says anything good about Law School and sitting in an office makes me shiver and itch. And I'm pretty sure it cost me my hair...
